Kupiter Belt - The asteroid (99942) Apophis [2004 MN4] recently railed against it’s depiction in the media as a ‘Killer’.

‘I’m no more a killer than is your own earth moon and quite frankly, I’m very hurt and offended being labeled as such’, Apophis stated in a press release Tuesday. ‘I’m a nice asteroid. I’m not a killer.’

Apophis, which earth scientists have calculated as having about a 1 in 10,000 chance of striking the earth in the year 2029 is currently the largest known risk for an earth-asteroid collision.

Harvard astronomer Jacob Wilcox responded to the asteroid’s statement by saying, ‘Well, I don’t know about you, but in 2029 Apophis is going to come pretty darn close to us. I would equate it to a sharpshooter trying to shoot an apple off your head at about 100 yards. Sure he’s going miss your head 99 times out of 100, but it’s that one time when maybe the wind picks up at the wrong moment or maybe you flinch at the wrong time. I just don’t see any legitimate reason it thinks it has to come this close to us. Ok, maybe saying it’s a killer is a bit extreme, but its behavior certainly shows a blatant disregard for the earth’s health.’

‘Oh, that’s a good one’, Apophis replied when told of Wilcox’s statement. ‘Can you say ‘global warming?’ How about ‘nuclear destruction?’ They have a lot of nerve telling me I’m a threat to them. They seem to be doing a pretty fair job themselves, thank you very much’

‘All I wanted was to take a vacation. I’ve been out here in the outer reaches of the solar system for well on 3 million years and I’m kinda tired of looking at just Jupiter and Saturn. I just wanted to take a look at some of the other planets in the neighborhood…do a little siteseeing You know we’re all part of the same solar system…can’t we just get along?’, said an exasperated Apophis.

Wilcox countered by saying, ‘I’m not above saying maybe we we’re a bit stong in labeling 99942 as a killer, but as a scientist, I also know that these ‘peaceful’ asteroids have turned on us in the past. We have a pretty good idea of what wiped out the dinosaurs, and let me tell you, they didn’t all die from smoking. We don’t know what sets a normally beneign and peacful asteroid into a hell-bent for death killer, but we need to protect ourselves because it has happened before.’

Apophis responded by saying, ‘See there, no respect. Either they call me a killer or they call me a number. I have a name, and I have feelings. And another thing, just because you think one of my distant relatives may have hit you in the past, doesn’t give you the right to start launching probes to smash into us. What’s the logic in that? That’s like saying if someone’s brother punched you at a party one day, you get the right to smack his sister in the nose a year later just in case she decideds to ‘go bad’. All I’m going to say is I had no ill feelings for earth when I first started to plan my vacation, but if they keep up with the name calling and unprovoked attacks on my kin…well, I don’t want to get crazy…but I will defend my family’.

Comet Tempel 1, the object recently hit by the earth probe Deep Impact, had this comment, ‘Sorry, buth I canth speak rigth now..my nosth is swollen’

Augusta - Alice Greer and Kevin Rannis, performers in the Jim Rose Circus, revealed that both their careers started as a result of a canceled appointment several years earlier.

‘Life is kinda funny sometimes’, started Greer, ‘Especially in hindsight I guess. Sometimes we all do stupid things, but in the end it all worked out.’

Greer and Rannis, long time friends, work for the Jim Rose Circus as the Tattoo’d Couple, with tattoo’s covering nearly 100% of their bodies.

‘The term couple is misleading’ said Greer. ‘We did actually date when we first met, but that was quite a while ago. We’re just freinds…but in showbiz you need an angle, and the couple thing seems to increase the public’s interest in us’

Rannis agreed, ‘Yeah. After the shows, if we’re doing any kind of PR stuff, people will come up to us and ask things like, ‘Dude, how’d you manage to score a babe like that’, or make comments on how wonderful love is, that two people in the world, each covered head to toe with tattoos could find each other’.

When asked how they originally met, both state it was nothing special. ‘I think it was through a bar league sports team. Of course, we didn’t have a lot of tattoos back then’, said Greer.

‘Wow, it’s just crazy thinking about things back then’, mused Greer. ‘I was a lab researcher in quantum physics and Kevin was a Political Science major just out of college. If someone would have told me that in 5 years we’d both be performing in the Jim Rose Circus I’d have thought them crazy. Just crazy. Wow.’

When asked what led them into their current careers, Rannis said, ‘It was my fault ultimately…at least in that I was the spark that lit the fire’

‘No, don’t put it all on yourself…I shouldn’t have been so stubborn either’, Greer inturrupted.

‘It was both our faults.’, Greer continued. ‘It all started when I had won a gift certificate for $1000 worth of tattoo work. The certificate was for a tattoo party - 5 people for $200 worth of work each. I asked around to see if any friends would be interested and got a group together. One of them was Kevin, of course. Now Kevin had stated that he was pretty sure he’d be able to make the consultation where each person would talk about what they wanted for their tattoo and the artist would decide if she could do it for $200. I told him that if he couldn’t make it to let me know AHEAD of time, so I could find someone else.’

‘So this is several weeks before the consultation right? Ok, move forward to the night of the consultation, I send out emails to everyone who’s going and Kevin emails me back saying he can’t make it. Oh my god, was I pissed.’

‘My fault, totally’, Rannis admitted. ‘It had been a last minute problem at work, but I knew earlier in the week that something like this might happen. I should have let her know the situation.’

‘Anyway,’ Greer continued, ‘So I am just fuming. I’m thinking what a fuck wad. It was too late to reschedule, and it was certainly too late to try and find someone else. I had about 3 hours before I had to be there and seeing how pissed I was I called one the people that was going with us tonight and had her meet me out at a bar. She had just broke up with this guy she had been dating for two years, so we were both upset. Let’s just say the drink started to flow. By the time I made it to the consultation I was completely schnockered’

‘So I’m at the consultation, I’m angry as hell still, and I’m completely wasted. So when the artists asks what I want for a Tattoo, I say, I want the words, ‘Fuck Rannis’ tattoo’d on my forehead, and I want it done tonight. At first she tried to talk me out of it, but I was way too angry, so I had it done that night.’

Rannis explains what happened next.

‘At that time we both were in some bar sports leagues…volleyball, football, etc. So the next time our team plays I see her come up and I see ‘Fuck Rannis’ on her forehead. I’m thinking, wow she’s still pissed. The thing is, I thought it was magic marker. So after the game, I try and talk to her and I say, ‘Ok, I’m sorry, please wash that off and let’s talk about it’.

Greer sighs. ‘You should have seen his face when I told him it was a tattoo, I thought he was going to literally blow up’

Rammis concurs, ‘Yeah I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t fucking believe she got that TATTOO’D to her forehead. Anyway, now I’m pissed so I leave the bar and I head over to the girl that did it. At first I’m going to go over there and bitch at her about letting Alice do this…but on the way over I just start getting more and more angry…by the time I got there, I had decided I wanted a Tattoo that said, ‘Vindictive Bitch’ on the inside of my arm, with an arrow pointing towards my elbow.’

‘That way, I can stand next to her, put my hands behind my head, and then the arrow will be pointing towards her. I’m thinking it’s genius, as unlike having it on my forhead I can keep it unseen most times. Well she didn’t think it was very funny. So she goes out and get’s another Tattoo, which basically is making fun of my manhood. Let’s just say it progresses from there.’

‘After about six months, neither of us had any room left on our bodies for new tattoos. We had both lost our jobs, and in the end we both realized we we’re being stupid. We decided we’d try and get the most offensive ones removed, or at least altered so they weren’t offensive anymore. Which pretty much sums up how we are today’, finished Rannis.

When asked how they got the job with Jim Rose, Alice replies, ‘Oh, we went to a Monster’s of Metal show a few weeks after having the tattoo alternations done. One of the freak finders saw us in the crowd and asked if we’d like to work for Jim Rose. After we talked about it, we figured it was a blessing. I mean, throughout this whole ordeal, we lost our jobs, our friends and relatives both thought we were crazy, people on the street give us wierd looks, we just felt like we were being punished. But with the Circus, we have fans, a paycheck, health care, and we get to meet all these rock stars. It’s a pretty cool gig’

‘Oh yeah’, replied Rannis. ‘I met Ozzy just the other day, seemed like a nice guy. Now, I couldn’t understand a fucking word he said to me, so I’ll never know if he was telling me to fuck off, or have a nice day, but he seemed like a nice guy.’

Mt Olympus – Zeus, leader of the gods, held a press conference after concluding a formal investigation into ‘Intelligent Design-gate’

The scandal which has rocked the seat of the gods, started several years ago, when certain mortals realized that the irreducible complexity of some living systems proved that life was designed by an intelligent entity, and offered proof of the existence of god.

The findings of the investigation put the blame squarely on Loki, god of mischief. ‘We have overwhelming proof this was just one of Loki’s grand practical jokes’, stated the head of the gods. ‘We found the culprit, but unfortunately the damage has already been done. We will be announcing formal charges and sentencing at a future date.’

The god of thunder promised the full report would be released shortly, but agreed to an interview with this reporter detailing the events leading up to the investigation. A summary of the report was also handed out to all in attendance.

Q: Zeus, thank you for granting me this interview. It has normally been the policy of Olympia to deny interviews before the offical report has been released. Why the change now?
ZEUS: ‘Well, with the culprit found, there was no longer an investigative reason to deny interviews. Besides, as far as this situation goes it looks like the Trojan’s are out of the horse now, so to speak, so no point in hiding things from our public anymore’

Q: Zeus, according to this summary report, it says that originally the gods never intended to remain hidden from their creations? Is this true?
ZEUS: Yes. Originally we planed to walk openly among the mortals, and display our powers at will.

Q: What happened? Why the change in plans?
ZEUS: Well, that was before the platypus incident. What a mess. You see, originally we had four or five master creators working on the world. All designs had to be approved by them. The reasoning behind this was to ensure not only perfection in each individual lifeform, but also ensure a rational ‘look and feel’ across all the different lifeforms as well. We were worried that without the right control mechanisms, we might end up with long-nosed, grey-skinned elephants in Africa, but short-nosed, purple-feathered elephants in India. We needed to make sure everything funneled through a select few head designers to ensure consistency.

It had been pointed out during the scope and discovery process that if we were going to walk among the mortals, openly and freely, all our work would have to show perfection not just locally, but taken as a whole as well. You can’t expect to be worshiped as a god if you’re producing shoddy product.

Anyway, we had just gotten done with reptiles and were going to start work on the mammals and we decided to have a big party to celebrate. No problems there, we had had parties for previous milestones such as plants and fish. But this time someone invited Bacchus.

Q: And that was a problem?
ZEUS: Well not him personally…he’s a great guy. It’s just we were on a tight deadline, and parties have a way of getting out of hand when Bacchus shows up.

Q: So what happened?
ZEUS: Well we had never allowed Bacchus to help create anything living. He was just too irresponsible. He would be what mortals today call, a ‘Hippy’. He tried of course…he’d submit things, but we’d never approve them. Following a plan just wasn’t in his nature. He never bothered making his own materials either, he’d just mooch spare parts off of the other designers and then just kinda mash them all together. He just wasn’t one to care about the big picture.

Now as bad as he was at making creatures, he was a genius when it came to creating wine. He made the best wine in Olympia bar none…which is probably why someone invited him. Anyway, Odin got so blitzed that Bacchus actually managed to get him to sign off on this prototype he called the ‘platypus’,

Q: Odin actually did?
ZEUS: Well, to this day Odin will deny he ever signed off on it, but I’ve seen the approval form, and it’s his signature’

Q: What happened next?
ZEUS: It was a disaster, the next day no one was in any shape to work, and no one remembered anything from the previous night, let alone about Bacchus’s big idea….so it wasn’t until much later when we were placing mammals in Australia that we discovered the damn thing.

Q: That must have been a shock.
ZEUS: And it was. I think it affected poor Apollo the most. He really liked Australia…lotsa sun down there and everything…fast animals…his kind of thing. He was devastated. He took a lot of pride in creating the animals down there, everything fit in…and then you find the platypus. It made everything down there look like a joke. It was EXACTLY the kind of creature you’d expect a drunken god to make. And as I said before, if you’re going to walk among your creations, you need to be seen as perfect, infallible. I mean just imagine you’re a mortal walking along one day admiring the grace of a bird in flight, or the ingenuity of the beaver in water, and then you see a platypus? As if some god took random parts of animals around him and stuck them all together like some monstrous living mr. potatohead. As that mortal, I’d be damn interested to know who created that thing….and then I’d stay as far away from that god as possible.

Q: Mr. Potatohead?
ZEUS: Sorry, mortal term. nevermind.

Q: Ok, well getting back then, what did you do next?
ZEUS: Well, we held a meeting and had decided we were going to destroy it, even though we knew it would just kill poor Bacchus, when Loki stands up and makes the suggestion that instead of walking openly among the mortals, we hide ourselves.

Q: Seems like a rather radical change of plans, how did that go over?
ZEUS: Loki held a lot of sway back then, everyone thought he was just the ‘coolest guy’. Loki said, look, wouldn’t it be the greatest joke in the world, if we were to create the entire universe and then completely hide ourselves from its existence? Do we really want to worry about perfection 24/7? Look, we’re creating the fucking universe, let’s have a bit of fun with it.

Personally I thought this was stupid, but a lot of the other gods liked it. The killer selling point though was that Loki came up with an ingenious way to keep Bacchus’s platypus…something he called ‘evolution’.

Q: Evolution?
ZEUS: Yeah, basically it says that life creates itself….survival of the fittest, that kind of thing. It was actually quite elegant. I was surprised Loki had come up with it. You see the Platypus was actually well suited to survive in Australia. The problem had always been that Bacchus had made it out of spare parts and ass-backwards. But with evolution, we didn’t need to worry about it how it looked, just that it worked.

Q: So you agreed to Loki’s idea?
ZEUS: Yeah. Everyone loved this idea, because it meant a lot less work for us the rest for the way out. Once we hid all the proof we existed, we could actually use evolution to help create the rest of our works. That was the brilliance of Loki’s idea…it was functional…not just a mirage.

Besides, everyone liked Bacchus, really he’s a cool guy…he’s just a bit ‘out there’ at times, and no wanted to hurt his feelings.

Q: What then?
ZEUS: We began to work on ways to hide ourselves. It wasn’t that difficult; we created the laws of the universe, it was quite simple to make the earth look like it was billions of years old, when it really isn’t. We scattered fossils everywhere, Bacchus came up with the idea to make it look like humans came from monkeys. We placed limits on space and time, we put red herrings everywhere’

The plan was foolproof…and yet after we had implemented it, I had a very uneasy feeling.

Q: Why was that?
ZEUS: Something about how Loki was acting was bothering me. I knew his penchant for practical jokes, and he just seemed so smug after we had completed everything. It was as if he was in on some private joke and could hardly contain his laughter.’

Q: What did you do?
ZEUS: Nothing at first. I mean everything was working great. Part of Loki’s plan was to use the Muses to inspire the mortals to dream up religions and worship us. Sure, that process meant we ended up having different names with different cultures and so forth, but it worked well. We had all the worship we needed, and the fact that we DIDN’T walk the earth among them made us seem all the more powerful and supreme. Yet something was still gnawing at me.

Q: Did you ever figure out what it was?
ZEUS: No. But I knew there was something. We foresaw the discipline of science from the beginning. We wouldn’t have given mortals a brain otherwise. That’s why we went to all that trouble of hiding our existence. Making sure there was no way for them to prove we existed. The way Loki explained it, was if they knew you existed, then they’d start to demand things. They’d expect us to solve all their problems. We didn’t need that. We wanted adoration and praise…not to become slaves to their needs.

But if they suspected you existed, but couldn’t prove it, ah now there’s the rub. Then they’ll continue to worship and praise us, well at least most of them would, but they can’t demand things. It was a very nice plan Loki had. Of course it all depended on there never being any proof we existed.

As the millennia passed, Loki grew more and more giddy, and would start dropping these odd comments like, ‘Pretty good plan I had eh?, I bet no one will ever SEE through this. What VISION, eh?’

Something clicked then. I knew Loki had set us up for something..

Q: Did you know what?
ZEUS: No, nor did I suspect the sheer scope of it. Unfortunately, Loki must have guessed I was starting to suspect something, because the next thing we know is he sends an unauthorized muse down to earth and has her whisper in the ears of certain mortals to think about evolution and the ‘eye.’ Now I still don’t quite understand why he’d have her do this, but I’m more and more convinced it’s not in our best interests.

So I order Thor and Mars to go bring Loki to me. They bring him and he can’t stop laughing. So I ask him, Loki, just what is so funny? He can hardly contain himself at this point. He just laughs and says, ‘A conundrum!, just a bit of circular logic!’

‘Loki’, I say, ‘Where are you going with this…tell me now, or by Hades I will shove a thunderbolt up your lilly white ass!’

Q: Would you have?
ZEUS: Absolutely, and he knew it. I try to be easy going, but I have my limits. Anyway, this seemed to drain a bit of the mirth from him, though he didn’t seem to be too concerned. A bit less cocky now, he said, ‘Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, don’t worry, it was a double-prank…a joke of such grand irony I shall never surpass it myself.

Look, we have taken all steps to remove proof of our existence right? There is no way for mortals to discover us correct? Wrong. Our very perfection proves our existence! When mortals contemplate evolution and some of the complexity it entails, they will see that only a higher power or higher intelligence could have ever brought these forms to existence. That the complexities of the eye, and other systems used by life are so impossibly irreducible, that they prove the existence of a creator.’

I was beginning to grow quite angry now, ‘And exactly how does this trick the mortals as well Loki? It seems to me, this only makes all of our efforts to hide ourselves look foolish’

‘Well…’, Loki started, ‘that’s the point. How can you have an omniscient, all powerful creator that can’t foresee this flaw? The fact that a mere mortal realized this ‘Intelligent Design’ idea offered proof of a creator, means the creator was himself an idiot. Ta-Da!

I was dumbstruck.

Q; Wait, I’m not quite sure I understand.
ZEUS: Loki set us both up, the mortals and the creators. Mortals want one of two things. Either that an all knowing, all powerful creator exists, or that there is no creator and life just happened. What they don’t want is a creator god that makes mistakes.

Right now, he’s having his joke with the Intelligent Designer’s. They think they’ve found proof of god. In time, he’ll send another muse to inspire one of them to realize that if it this theory does prove god, it also proves this god is pretty stupid, since this god couldn’t foresee the proof of his own existence….an existence of which he’s tried desparately to keep unprovable. Basically it’s a big paradox.

Q: But in this case, that’s actually true isn’t it? I mean you didn’t foresee this did you?
ZEUS: ….

Q: Zeus?
ZEUS: (Sighs), look, we, well HE foresaw it. OK?!? Loki foresaw it, we’re a team up here for Hades sake. It was done on purpose…No more questions on this topic

Q: Sorry, OK so you explained his joke on the mortals, what did he wish to accomplish against you?
ZEUS: His Joke on us, was really just to get us all worked up over nothing. He wanted to see us sweat when it looked like there was a fatal flaw in our plans and designs. Once we realized that the mortals (as a whole) would never accept a theory which proves the existence of a fallible creator, we knew we were safe.

Thankfully, Loki knew better than to pull something that might have real consequences. Still he is going to pay. None of us like being made fools of…and I know he had this scheme planned the whole time….from all those millenium ago.

Q: what are going to do to him?
ZEUS: I think I’m going to let Bacchus design another animal, and then force Loki to live as one for a few millennium.

Howard – Hail from a small thunderstorm caused minor damage to several residences cars over the weekend in Howard, prompting the televangelist Pat Robertson to hold a press conference in which he once again spoke out against the town council’s decision to allow the word ‘sexy’ to appear in advertisements on a new electronic billboard.

Two months ago, a new electronic billboard was erected in downtown Howard. The billboard, the first of its kind for the small community of 1,071 was initially greeted with excitement by the local residents; However, controversy soon followed. Kathy Fensworth, owner of a local hair salon, decided to buy advertising time on the billboard to advertise her salon and some of the name brand products she carries. One of these is a hair products line from a west coast company with the brand name ‘Sexy’.

Shortly after the new ad began to run on the billboard, a few conservative residents complained to the village council about the word ‘Sexy’. They deemed the word to be offensive and indecent and petitioned the town council to create a new ordinance forbidding the word to appear in advertisements within the town’s jurisdiction. The petition came to a vote, but failed to pass by a count of 2-5 against.

Pat Robertson, on hearing of the petition’s failure to pass, issued a scathing statement directed at the village, ‘God will remember this. Don’t think he’ll forget. Don’t think he’ll just let this pass. He won’t. The next time you pray to him for something, he’ll remember that you chose to allow indecency and sin into your community instead of acting against it. Should a terrible tragedy or natural disaster occur in Howard, don’t complain to God about it, don’t cry and ask, “Why, Why, Why??” The answer is right here, and it’s by your own hand. Mark my words, God will punish Howard.’

After hail from the thunderstorm on Saturday caused an estimated total of $800 in damage, Robertson issued the following statement: ‘You know, there are those out there that would choose to believe I do not understand the will of God. There are those who would say I do not act on his behalf. To these doubters, I will simply point to Howard and say, “Did I not warn them about this? Did I not warn them of the dire consequences that await them when they choose the path of sin? God has chosen to punish Howard for its transgressions.’

Fensworth remains unswayed however, ‘No, I think he’s a nut. It was thunderstorm for pete’s sake.”

Other residents aren’t so sure. Gary Davis, one of the residents who complained about the word ‘Sexy’ had this to say when told of Fensworth’s remarks, ‘Well, see that’s how sinners operate. They just rationalize everything away. The good Reverend predicted this would happen, and it did. My car wasn’t one of the ones that got damaged. Ask yourself, why is that? The hail fell throughout the entire town, why was my car spared?’

It should be noted that Mr. Davis owns a two car garage and does not park on the street.