Kupiter Belt - The asteroid (99942) Apophis [2004 MN4] recently railed against it’s depiction in the media as a ‘Killer’.
‘I’m no more a killer than is your own earth moon and quite frankly, I’m very hurt and offended being labeled as such’, Apophis stated in a press release Tuesday. ‘I’m a nice asteroid. I’m not a killer.’
Apophis, which earth scientists have calculated as having about a 1 in 10,000 chance of striking the earth in the year 2029 is currently the largest known risk for an earth-asteroid collision.
Harvard astronomer Jacob Wilcox responded to the asteroid’s statement by saying, ‘Well, I don’t know about you, but in 2029 Apophis is going to come pretty darn close to us. I would equate it to a sharpshooter trying to shoot an apple off your head at about 100 yards. Sure he’s going miss your head 99 times out of 100, but it’s that one time when maybe the wind picks up at the wrong moment or maybe you flinch at the wrong time. I just don’t see any legitimate reason it thinks it has to come this close to us. Ok, maybe saying it’s a killer is a bit extreme, but its behavior certainly shows a blatant disregard for the earth’s health.’
‘Oh, that’s a good one’, Apophis replied when told of Wilcox’s statement. ‘Can you say ‘global warming?’ How about ‘nuclear destruction?’ They have a lot of nerve telling me I’m a threat to them. They seem to be doing a pretty fair job themselves, thank you very much’
‘All I wanted was to take a vacation. I’ve been out here in the outer reaches of the solar system for well on 3 million years and I’m kinda tired of looking at just Jupiter and Saturn. I just wanted to take a look at some of the other planets in the neighborhood…do a little siteseeing You know we’re all part of the same solar system…can’t we just get along?’, said an exasperated Apophis.
Wilcox countered by saying, ‘I’m not above saying maybe we we’re a bit stong in labeling 99942 as a killer, but as a scientist, I also know that these ‘peaceful’ asteroids have turned on us in the past. We have a pretty good idea of what wiped out the dinosaurs, and let me tell you, they didn’t all die from smoking. We don’t know what sets a normally beneign and peacful asteroid into a hell-bent for death killer, but we need to protect ourselves because it has happened before.’
Apophis responded by saying, ‘See there, no respect. Either they call me a killer or they call me a number. I have a name, and I have feelings. And another thing, just because you think one of my distant relatives may have hit you in the past, doesn’t give you the right to start launching probes to smash into us. What’s the logic in that? That’s like saying if someone’s brother punched you at a party one day, you get the right to smack his sister in the nose a year later just in case she decideds to ‘go bad’. All I’m going to say is I had no ill feelings for earth when I first started to plan my vacation, but if they keep up with the name calling and unprovoked attacks on my kin…well, I don’t want to get crazy…but I will defend my family’.
Comet Tempel 1, the object recently hit by the earth probe Deep Impact, had this comment, ‘Sorry, buth I canth speak rigth now..my nosth is swollen’