It’s come to my attention that lately there has been a lot of talk on the Interwebs about my speech regarding network neutrality and how the intertubes work. Most of this criticism seems to be coming from a vocal minority of the interweb community known as the bloggerings. Well, I’ve had my staff do some research into this community and let me tell you, this is a whole lot of ado about nothing.
These bloggerers, are trying to make it seem like I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about when it comes to the inner workings of the interweb. Well I have one question to put to these spoiled brats who have nothing better to do all day than to do bloggering, play games on their Playboxes and X-Stations, and download stolen music onto their iTunes pod, and that is, ‘Are any of you Chairman of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation?’ No? I didn’t think so.
So I don’t know where you get off telling me I don’t understand how the internets works. I am not a techno-idiot. When I said the internets is made up of a series of ‘tubes’ I wasn’t being literal. I was using an analogy for the benefit of all my less techno-savvy constituents. I know damn well the interweb isn’t literally made up of tubes, it’s made from pipes. Everyone knows that. Now pipes have been around for ages, however in times past they mostly were used to carry water, and that’s how most of my older constituents perceive them. When the new internet pipes came out in the 90’s many people became confused on how they worked. So to prevent confusion and prevent having to go into a long drawn out explanation of how interweb pipes don’t carry water but rather carry the internets, bloggerings, and other material I chose to use the term tubes as an analogy.
So all you bloggerers out there can just stick your bloggerings where the sun don’t shine. It may come as a surprise to you, but not only am I fully versed on how the interweb operates, but I also keep up with technology in other niches. For instance I have my own space site, which I use for my fan club. Go internet it at http://www.myspace.com/tedstevensfanclub. That right, it’s my space site, you spoiled bloggerers are not the only ones who have your own space site.
I also have an iTunes pod which is filled with empty three files from all sorts of wholesome artists such as Neil Diamond and The Osmonds. I’d just like to mention that unlike most of the bloggerers out there, I didn’t steal my empty three files from any interweb peer sharer either. I paid for them online from the ipod tunes.
Finally, I’d just like to say that these bloggerers are clearly unfamilair with economic issues such as how supply and demand can affect limited resources such as the interweb pipes. If we don’t provide a means for companies to control the material flowing through these pipes we’re all going to be in trouble once they all get clogged up. Even I will admit that the concept of having an interweb that isn’t regulated is a great idea, but it just doesn’t work in real life. What happens is people start to use the interweb for frivolous activities such as sharing, personal opinion, bloggering, and access to non-government supplied information. We didn’t build it for that. If that’s what you want to use it for then I think you should either build your own internets or be forced to pay a fee for the priviledge of forefilling your dalliances. That’s all I’m saying. Everyday I hear of some new way to use the interweb. Just a few days ago I heard of a site called U-tube. This interweb lets people internet videos and creates just vast amounts of material in the pipes. This hurts the company’s which lay the interweb pipes because now they can’t charge as many people to use the pipes as they once could. This isn’t right, and it’s isn’t American! So to all you bloggerers out there, get off your high-horses and stop playing your X-stations for a few minutes and try to educate yourself on how the real world operates, because you’re not living in the real world. You’re living in the cybermatrix, and the cybermatrix is just an imaginary place, regardless of how much you think it isn’t.
Thank you,
– Senator Ted Stevens (R)