Craig’s Crag

Hi.

Ok. So I picked up this Cisco 870 series router last weekend when I was shopping at the Best Buy in Burbank. Normally I wouldn’t be caught dead in there but I heard they are one of the top chains for CD sales and I figured I’d go in to make sure they had my CD on the shelves. They like totally didn’t. Can you believe that? I mean, oh my god. So I marched over to one of those people behind the counter, you know that wear those hideous blue shirts…with tan slacks? I mean really. Blue with tan? Yuck, anyway, and I said I want to talk to your manager right now.

Well the girl behind the counter kinda froze for a second. You know, like she’s thinking…’Oh my god, Paris Hilton is actually talking to me!’ I take a lot of crap in the press that’s so not fair…and here is a perfect example of what I have to deal with. I’m telling her I demand to know why my CD isn’t on the shelf and that it’s pretty hard to sell millions of CD’s when my fans can’t find them and I can totally tell she’s not hearing a word I’m saying. I call it the ‘Paris Effect’. So I say to myself, ok Paris calm down…she’s not used to being in the presence of celebrity so I look at her name tag and grab a pen and find a candy bar wrapper in my pocket and sign it ‘To Angie, Paris Hilton’ and hand it to her.

Well now she gets this glazed over look on her face and I say, “Honey it’s OK. You don’t have to pay me for it or anything’

So after all that you know what she does? She rolls her eyes. Like what the hell? Then she says, ‘I’ll be right back’. So now I’m fuming. I mean I have gone above and beyond here and she’s going to make me wait!? I was going to just turn around and stomp right out of the store, but then I realized my fans would still not be able to buy my CD so I took a deep breath, crossed my arms and waited. Well this girl, ‘Angie’, went back behind the curtain where I’m sure she’s telling someone back there that I’m cheap cause I didn’t give her any money or invite her to a party when this guy with the worst comb-over I have ever seen comes to the counter holding my autograph in his hand. ‘Ms Hilton’, he says, ‘Employees are not allowed to accept gifts, it’s against Best Buy policy’, and then he hands my autograph back. Then he says, ‘What can I help you with?’

Now I’m going to tell him about my CD but I see he’s not even looking me in the eye. No, he’s looking right at my tits. I was just about to blow up when he kinda points at my chest and asks if I could please cover up as there are children in the store, and I look down and well…I guess in my anger and in crossing and uncrossing my arms, one of my tits fell out of my top….like this doesn’t happen to everyone once in awhile. So I pull my top up a bit and tuck in and ask him why the fuck my CD isn’t on the shelf? Now he gets that frozen look on his face and he starts to say, ‘It’s not on the shelves because it’s not sell…ing, err not in stock. It’s sold out. Yeah, that why…I forgot we sold the last one yesterday’.

Oh. Of course. So now I feel pretty bad. They can’t keep them on the shelves. So I tell him well I understand and that I’m sorry about my tits and that next time it would really help my fans if he could order more CDs at once so they won’t sell out of them.

Anyway he agrees and tells me he’ll make sure they order a ton more and then asks if there is anything else he can help me with. I’m about to say no, when I look over and on the counter is just the cutest thing I have ever seen. So I ask him what is that? He tells me it’s a Cisco 870 router, and then starts to turn away as if I wouldn’t need one or something. Whatever. So I grab it, put on my charge and go home.

Now I’m pretty excited, I mean, I have OnStar in my Audi but let me be honest with you. Sometimes talking to those people is such a drag. Like the time I called OnStar on my cell and told them I locked my keys and panties in the car and I needed them to open it for me and then give me directions to this new club that just opened. They wouldn’t do it. They said I sounded inebriated, and that they could not allow me back into the car!! I told them I wasn’t drunk, that I only had three martinis and smoked two joints, but they still wouldn’t open that damn door for me.

So screw OnStar. I figured why talk to some stuck up OnStar person when I can have a router tell me the route to my next party.

So anyway here is my review, and it’s not a good one.

I do not recommend the Cisco 870 series router to ANYONE. First off, the instructions that come with it only tell you how to hook it up to the internet. Now I realize it needs to get its maps and directions from somewhere, but the problem is, it ONLY tells you how to hook it up to the internet IN YOUR HOUSE. Hello?? Some people may need directions AFTER they leave their house. I mean really. So there are no instructions on how to get it to work in your car where it might like, really be useful? The other problem is it doesn’t tell you how to use it for directions. It’s got three lights on the front which I figure light up for ‘Turn Left, Go Straight, or Turn Right’, but until I can find someone to install it in my car it’s just sitting in my closet.

On the plus side, it’s really cute. Very cool looking. It would soooo totally accessorize with my silver Porsche. It just sucks the instructions are so bad.

So in closing, don’t buy this router, and ta ta for now.

-Paris