Note: This post should actually be read *after* the one that follows it.

my.horoscope.com
Actively express your thoughts today, Aquarius. You’ll find that a great deal of information needs to be exchanged. You have the power to deliver a strong, thoughtful message to others, so don’t give up this opportunity to exercise your acute mind. You may also find people to be rather argumentative, but don’t let this keep you from expressing your true thoughts on the matter at hand.

Interpretation
Huh? What is this crap? How is this foretelling anything!? This is just bumpkin advice bundled with a bit of ego stroking. Hey, pop-quiz. Who out there feels they are able to deliver a strong thoughtful message to others once in awhile? Just raise your hand…I’ll count. Hmm, looks like damn near everyone to me. Well except for you, the girl with Tourettes shouting in the corner. You’re excused.

I love the last couple lines as well. People might get argumentative if you express your true thoughts. No. Way. I’m disappointed my.horoscope.com. Very disappointed.

astrology.com
It’s important that you treat yourself right today — even if that makes someone else feel left out! Your energy is a little tapped right now, so it’s harder than usual to help others when they need it

interpretation
Damn straight. It’s about time I start I doing the ‘me first’ stinking thinking instead of all those non-Aquarian friends I’ve been helping these last two weeks. Between their selfish nature and the constant distractions at work they cause, I could use a little me time. Calgon, take me away!

Congrats astrology.com, you win this week.

www.dailyhoroscopes.com
Oh oh. This site doesn’t seem to load tonight. I wonder if Christine has run out of fortune cookie fortunes? Hmm. Most likely it’s just a technical issue with the site or provider. Well I guess I’ll just do my own fortune for Christine…in haiku.

Fortune didn’t read,
You should buy a U.P.S
Servers have no sign.

PS: For the non-computer folk out there, a UPS is an ‘Uninterruptable Power Supply’ It’s one of those big boxy things with heavy lead batteries we hook up to our servers. If power is lost (due to a storm, etc), the servers automatically start to run off the UPS until the power comes back on or we think of some other solution.

A few weeks ago I had a talk with someone who was a firm believer in the accuracy of Horoscopes. He was quite convinced they really worked and that my skepical attitude towards them was due to a ‘closed mind’. So I decided to start reading a few Horoscopes each week offer my opinion on them. After a couple weeks I kind of enjoyed writing about them to friends via email, so I decided to do it as a weekly blog post.

This first entry details the first two weeks:

Aquarius (my.horoscope.com)
You might find that others are adopting a bit of a “me first” attitude that doesn’t quite sit right with you, Aquarius. You may need to knock on their door, wake them up, and say, “Hey, what about everybody else?” Try not to whine as you deliver this message. A desperate-sounding attitude will get you nowhere. Be friendly and jovial in your approach and the world will be at your feet.

Interpretation: Wow. Not only do I need less pretentious friends, I have to take the role of a insipidly gleeful and benevolent counselor to set them straight. It’s also clear that as an Aquarius I have the god-given right to judge my non-aquarian friends and decide whether their attitude is sufficiently proper to avoid my “gentle” corrections. Should I do this successfully, I shall rule the world (along with, I imagine, all the other Aquarii that successfully chastise their self-serving friends). I like this horoscope greatly.

Aquarius (Astrology.com)
My browser crashed while trying to view my horoscope at astrology.com.

Interpretation: This is a bad bad bad sign. I’m calling in from work and locking myself in my apartment today.

Aquarius (www.dailyhoroscope.com)
You do your job and others do their job–progress. This afternoon you may be asked to exchange ideas and problem-solve with some of your co-workers. This is a time of great mental activity and heightened communication with others. Intellectualism and the exchange of ideas have a special appeal to you. You are full of wit and sharp insights. This could be a time for real breakthroughs in the idea department. You are in top form when it comes to mental activity. You may have opportunities today to be with young people, perhaps guiding young people. There is a chance to understand those around you and to have a special time with someone you love. There are good feelings and a sense of harmony.

Interpretation: CHARLATAN ALERT! This is pure drivel. The first half of this so-called omen is nothing more than a description of what anyone with a job does on a day to day basis. In fact the first sentence would make an excellent title for a children’s book about work. As far as the middle part, well I am always full of wit and sharp insights…so one point for the astrologer. But then it goes off talking about having opportunities with young people and that they’ll be good feelings and harmony. I think the author of this horoscopes ordered several hundred Chinese fortune cookies, ate the cookies then put all the fortunes in a hat. Each day she draws four or five from the hat and strings them together for her mystical ‘prognostication’. Stay away from this author (some tart named Christine).

Week 2

Horoscope (Horoscope.com)
Today you’re likely to be in just the right place at the right time to meet the right person. You’re overdue for a lucky break and probably not expecting it. You may start the day in a restless and frustrated state of mind, Aquarius, but whatever happens will catapult you out of it. Be prepared – this transition may involve vast changes in your life, in the long run if not immediately

Interpretation:
Hmmm, this starts out great. I like the fact that the 680 million Aquarii in the world are going to all meet the right person today. But the right person for what? It doesn’t really say. Shit, I’m all for meeting the right person for love or personal fortune, but what if it turns out my ‘right person’ today is the right person for a colonic? I’m not sure I want to meet that person….ever. I agree with the second sentence. All us Aquarius’s have been getting screwed lately, about time we get a lucky break. That last sentence though is a bit disappointing…this astrologer must like to hedge his/her bets. ‘in the long run if not immediately’…doesn’t leave much to chance does it?

Horoscope (Astrology.com)
Your friends need you now more than ever — though they may not know how to ask for help. Reach out and see what you can do for those in need, and rack up some positive karma for later

Interpretation
Hey! My browser didn’t crash while trying to read my Horoscope this week! Guess I can unboard my windows and come outside now.
Geez, what is up with the friends all us Aquarii make? Last week we needed to chastise them for their ‘me first’ attitudes and this week they need us for something they can’t even conceptualize into a request for assistance. I also have issue with the last part of this. ‘Racking up’ positive karma for later is a myth. You can’t get positive karma if you do something expecting to be ‘rewarded’ for it later. That’s just stealth selfishness. Besides it’s not like karma comes from a vending machine and you can just put it in your pantry. Karma has its own agenda and you get it when it decides you get it.

Horoscope (Dailyhoroscope.com)
A friend in the workplace may often seek your advice. You are able to cut through the red tape and get at what is beneath and behind a problem. This may be a good time to help this person to learn his or her own problem-solving techniques and to become more confident. You are a good teacher and this process should be a lot easier than constantly being distracted from your own work. You are all heart . . . you will be pleased to see others become independent. Children, animals and all creative work get top billing this afternoon and you may find yourself sitting with family or a friend?s child. Have a goodie bag ready that is age appropriate with some surprise for each child tucked inside and you will have a happy time with the visit.

Interpretation:
Oh oh, the charlatan Christine is pulling her fortune cookie fortunes out of the hat again. What is this rambling, disjointed ‘fortune’ really trying to tell me? Let’s see:

Someone at work may often (or by definition, may not often) seek my advice today. If this person does ask me for advice, I should teach him how to handle their own problems themselves (this person is starting to sound a lot like one these ‘friends’ all us Aquarii seem to have).

The next two sentences seem to contradict themselves. I’m all heart and want to see this person independent, but apparently I’m also annoyed by them constantly distracting me from my work. So am I doing this out of the good of my heart or am I doing this because they are bugging the crap out of me? Apparently I’m annoyed enough to be happy to help them to get them to stop annoying me.

Then she pulls a new fortune from the hat and we do a complete non sequitur into something about children and animals and how I may (and once again by definition, may not) be sitting with a friend and his/her progeny. Since she doesn’t tell me what the age of this child will be, I need to carry around about 6 or 7 different ‘goodie bags’ each aimed at a different age group so I’ll be sure to have one that’s age appropriate.

Got to hell Christine. You snake oil scam artist.

PS: Christine also needs an editor as she’s mistyped “friend’s” in the second to last sentence as “friend?s”.